Something to say.

OK so I had a memory suddenly come back to me the other night and now I know why (or one of the many reasons why) I never told about what that singing teacher was doing to me. He had threatened me with a knife. I don't remember ever seeing the knife, I don't even know if it was real. I just know he threatened me with a knife if I didn't shut up. After I remembered this I wrote in all caps I'M NOT CRAZY IT DID HAPPEN I'M SCARED over and over again. It made me feel so much better to say that because it feels like all of the abuse happened in an alternate reality. Like I had fallen into some nightmare room in a different dimension for a few hours a week and then climbed right back out into a normal life where no one could see the difference in me. It makes me feel so INSANE to have a normal life and the abuse life and it is so hard for me to say it is the same life. I think mom would have believed me if I told her, I think everyone would have, its just I couldn't believe MYSELF. I couldn't believe that it was always ME and only ME. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say, because I sure don't! This life is mine every single bit of it, but I can't seem to get myself to believe that. Its like my mind has always been fighting for it to not be ME but still live on like I have always been ME. I don't know, its so confusing and crazy to me right now, but I hope I can understand this one day.