I'm crying when I should be asleep. I have school tomorrow and I really don't want to go. I hate school. I don't hate the classes, or the work, or even the people. I hate school. I hate the feeling of anxiousness and depression I get just being there. The feeling of not being able to actually talk to people because I don't know how to act. I hate the feeling of being the only person like me that no one really understands and because I can't really understand either. Mayvbe I hate it because I secretly know I don't even need it for the job I was born to work. I pretty much know how my life will play out.
First I finish highschool barely alive, trying to dig out of that hole and go to college. I'll start college and work and all that normal crap, be depressed and not do all of my work. Either get kicked out or I just quit. Go back home, get a job at dad's old place of employment, maybe 2 jobs to pay for an appartment. Move me and my autistic brother in. I'll care for him, buy food, cook, clean, work. He'll probably have a job at the same place too and we have our life savings for food and rent and stuff. I'll never find true love and I'll never get married. I'll never adopt kids, I definitely wont have any of my own, unless its to surrogate for Sam. One day, in the far future, mom is going to die and she'll leave abunch of stuff to us probably. Not long after that, though, I will probably have a mental breakdown, after all of the years of secretly cutting and spending hundreds in therapy sessions that never seem to work the way I desperately need them to. I'll sneak into my brother's room at night and press a pillow over his face until he stops struggling and/or breathing, and then I'll either OD on some drug or shoot myself or whatever. And then thats it. It'll be over, or I'll spend the rest of my life in a psych ward. Either way i'll still be dead inside.

I've only had one day of school so far, and Ialreayd want to kill myself....AGAIN. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me! Why can't be healthy? Why can't I talk to people? Why can't I atleast not want to kill myself at least once a year?! I just want out. Before i become a monster. Why am I here? Was I meant for only this? And if so why would someone even create me? I'd rather die. It hurts, but it doesn't hurt enough. I hate it. I rather it be physical pain so that I can make since of it. Theres no reason i should feel like this. Its stupid and i'm stupuid and i should just get over it and stop acting like baby by cryiung anf whining and shit. goddammit