You probably noticed that I changed the blog name from Day Dreamer to Computerized Angel. Why? Because of a dream that I had. I'm not going to go into it, mainly because I don't remember anymore and also because it was long, but the main point is is that I now know why I've been manipulated so easily in my life, because I wanted to be manipulated. Simple as that. I could not deal with the thought of actually being in control of my own life so I let others control it for me. I have been like this for as long as I can remember, letting a person completely control me and then blame them when something bad happens. I could not stand the thought of ever being wrong because if my parents found out, I was screwed. I actually remember punishing myself for doing something wrong. I don't remember what it was that I had done, but I remember pulling down my pants in front of a mirror, spanking myself with a wooden paddle, and cursing at myself. I remember thinking, "It doesn't hurt enough." Anyways, point is that I always had to be the good girl, so I let other people take the blame and control me completely.
That is the reason this blog is now called Computerized Angel.
But why now? Because I had a mental break down, chopped my hair off, and had that dream. Thats why! Yes I may sound happy about this because I AM happy about it! I feel so much better after letting all of those bad emotions fall away like my hair. I actually felt like my hair was going to tie itself into a noose and hang me. Weird I know, but I am definitely glad to be rid of it.
So here I am, ready to get rid of the computerized me. I will not blame anyone today because there is no one to blame anymore.
They can never reach me.
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